Thanks to you all

WARNING: This is a raw dump of Andy brain after having a couple of beers ( I don't drink and I don't like beer). I guess that like Josh Kornbuth I am now publishing my therapy sessions for all to see... Continue at your own risk.... There is absolutely nothing to be learned in here about Rebecca's health.

The outpouring of love and affection that we are experiencing is amazing. We are truly blessed by our community near and far. Some of you we have known for years and some of you we haven't even met yet... It's pretty amazing. 

I have conflicting feelings and rather than try to resolve them and present you with a solution, I will just tell you what the two sides are so that as I send out mixed confusing messages you can understand that I really am just crazy.

On the one hand I am totally overwhelmed. I just started a new job. Rebecca needs physical care and has now been out of commission for 5+ weeks. The kids need love and support  and my emotions are battered and bruised. 

On the other hand I want as much normalcy as possible and I'm terrible at accepting help. I don't WANT to be needy. I don't want to have to call people I have just met and ask them to look after my kids because I can't look after them myself.  I don't want to be the focus of pity; which is silly really because part of me knows that pity is compassion, I know that what is being offered is unconditional love. That is pretty amazing. I guess the problem is that I don't want to NEED the special treatment... How can I at the same time feel so loved and supported and so totally devastated? There are SO many people offering help, if I don't feel OK I must be really ungrateful. Lots of people have bad shit happen, we aren't that special, isn't it my job to look after my family, if I fall short I must be a failure. 

All of this is in me so please just be patient with me. 

I know that this jolt of reality changes everyones priorities, at least for a while.  I know that over the next few weeks people who we have been too busy to see for months on end will suddenly have time to hang, and we'll have time to hang with them. There are people in our new communities at BPC and BMS (the kids schools) who we would have met and bonded with, slowly, over the next couple of years who have suddenly had us thrust into their consciousness in a most unusual way. 

Somehow in all of this I just want my life back. 

We are being so looked after and people are being so amazingly giving but my heart feels like it's being ripped out of my chest. I want to hang out and chat about the elections and the economy but all I can think about is 'what next'.