Thursday, April 09, 2009

I wish my titles were as catchy as Andy's

Passover was a great success, even if I couldn’t lead or talk. Andy did a great job. We had Andy’s family (His folks, sisters Deborah & Julia and some of their kids Kayla, Kezia & Jake), My family (my mom & Deana, my cousin, Bruce & one kid Sophia.) , Friends (really family too), Jack, Justine, Rhonda, Molly, Casey, Rebecca G. (and kid). Plus us Dales west. That’s 22. We hired someone to work the kitchen, so we did not have to do any dishes. There was still a day’s worth of work for all of the visiting family before and ½ day after. I only carved the turkey, which I love to do after watching my dad do it when I was growing up. We laughed and it was lots of fun.

This week’s chemo is different from last. I just walked back in the door 5 minutes ago. Instead of crashing, I am eating matzo ball soup leftovers from last night. Yum… And typing this. It was a short chemo week. It took from 10:30-1:00. Long is another hour. The weekly patern is long, short, long, none. Is that morse code for SOS? While I was getting my chemo and still lucid (they give me benedryl first right now and it knocks me out) I was picturing the chemo as white light entering me and healing me. Filling me with white light instead of black, which is what the cancer feels like. I am working on loving the chemo for its healing properties and not being resentful of it. Oh, and here is some good news, I gained 2lbs. Nothing I have ever said before, but I was getting too skinny. Gaining weight is good considering how much I am eating, if I wasn’t, I would be really feeding the cancer.

So what does it mean that I am dying? What is dying? While talking to Deborah, my sister in law, in the car home from chemo. She said that she sees in my life the factor of ‘having to let go’- from practical things, like getting to shop, to personal things like my hair. Dying is about letting go so that when the time comes to die, I am not holding on to anything that will make the process suffering. Since there is an infinte amount of things to let go of, some big, some small, even though I have started down this road with a sure footing, I still have a long road ahead of me. I am so fortunate to have so much support around me. No person is an island and definitely not me. Ironically, the thing that I hold on to most is my people. I am not going to let you go, but I am working on not fixing it for everyone. That is hardest for my kids. Today, I did not succeed in that practice. I tried to fix it and couldn’t. The beauty is that it got fixed without me. Go figure…
Thank you all for your comments you are all so important on my road.

Love love

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