Thursday, April 23, 2009

Napa and beyond

Andy and I had a great weekend away. I was a bit nervous because I did not know how I would feel and what it would be like being away for so long. We were welcomed into a fabulous community. We stayed at a friend’s house that is set up like a b&b. It’s a beautiful victorian and we were quite spoiled by their amazing food. The teaching and seeing Rimpoche were great. We both came away with sore backs hanging on the floor for two days, but it was worth it.

Friday night we ate a fancy meal at Celedon. I spoiled myself and went for 3 appitizers, salad, crab cakes and muscles. ☺ Saturday I met with Rimpoche during lunch and then after dinner a very talented energyworker worked on my head, nervous system and throat. Since then, my voice has been back much more. It really effected the way my entire neck/5th chakra feels. Its great. I hope to get back to her sometime. Sunday, was a very good ending to the teaching that I started getting over a year ago. It is the first time I have had a complete teaching and I look forward to using it, the best I can.

At some point on Sunday, Andy mentioned the kids and I was surprised and somewhat relieved that I let go of them for at least 24 hours. It was nice to know that I really trusted the situation that they were in and their ability to cope in it. They did of course totally fall apart when they got home. But that is cool. They had lots of fun and were pretty tired.

This week I have had Anne Aspen (nee: Boynton- I think I did that right) come to town. We have worked out that we have not seen each other since 1995! It has been fabulous showing her Berkeley (yes we went out of the house). I have had a bunch of energy lately and so I have been getting out and about. We took a driving tour, climbed Indian Rock to look at the view, and walked a little of Lake Anza. It has been beautiful weather. Today we are back to cold and grey. It has been special that even though our lives have taken different paths, we have grown in similar directions and noticed the same magic in life. That is pretty cool.

Anne gave me the gift of talking about a couple of beautiful deaths of loved ones she experienced. I have never experienced a death. It is like birth and house buying for me. The first baby I held was my own. We were the first of our friends to buy a house and did not know what we were doing. (we did not make any major mistakes, but it still was like shooting in the dark). How did I get this far in life without being with someone when they were being born or dying? I am 40. Somehow I have lived a life away from its messy changes. Maybe by the time I am that sick I will have experienced someone else’s death, but probably not. So it was great to hear some beautiful experiences around it. It reminds me that I really am going to do fine. That is a big relief. I guess the pressure I put on myself to ‘do stuff’ did not go away, it just transferred to the one thing I am guaranteed to do other than pay taxes. Now that I recognize that, I will work to take that pressure off and just trust myself.


BB said...

Thank you for that post. It is strange that in our culture we are so far removed from sharing and experiencing with one another the details of life's most important events.

tasha said...

It sounds like you both had a great time and I am so pleased that you are feeling upbeat at the moment. We all send love and the ducks are getting bigger and more boat shaped now! Our hugs and kisses to you all.

Denise Wolf said...

I'm glad you had such a good time, and especially interested in hearing about your conversation with your friend. You'll tell me more in person, I hope.

I haven't been with anyone while they were dying either, nor have I attended any birth other than my own and that of my children. A book I read, 'Seeing the Crab', a memoir by Christina Middleton, starts with her talking about a conversation she had with a friend who also had metastatic BC. This friend was with another friend as she died, and said something like "it's not that hard, I think I can do it", an impression that Christina found very comforting. It's not that hard, I think I can do it. I guess that's part of the anxiety of the 'dyer' (all of us, eventually), that it will be overwhelmingly difficult. That there are right and wrong ways to go about it. Dying as success or failure. Anyways, I'm rambling. Off I go to have my tumor markers measured yet again. I'd almost rather not know.

Much love,