The latest medical news comes from a dear doctor friend who has just recently joined Kaiser. Andy asked her to review my records and give us some insight into what is going on. SO. Boy did she help. Turns out that the ENT lied to us. I am really dealing with some anger around this. He said that I did not have vocal cord paralysis, when he put in my report that I do. One of the vocal cord nerves, for some reason, goes from the brain to the chest and back up to the vocal cord. Turns out my cancer is leaning on it. That is what the oncologist thought in the first place. I had a polyp too that did need removing, so that was done well. It has just been strange that I haven’t gotten my voice back. My throat also hurts, not at the top, but half way down my neck. The doctor said a while ago that is because I am straining muscles in my neck to talk. Those muscles need to rest. Ugh. I am not always patient and persevering in this. I get fed up too.
The other medical news explains my energy level going up. The cancer is leaning on the pulmonary artery that takes blood to my lungs. With that pressure, the lungs cannot get proper oxygen to my body and I get very tired. Since chemo, I have had more normal energy. That hints that the chemo is working and that the cancer is not leaning on the pulmonary artery so hard, so I can bounce off of the walls a bit, as Tiggers do.
Speaking of emotions. It is really easy to tell everyone how calm I am being through all of this. It is hard to admit being so scared. Especially because everyone thinks I am so brave. How do the brave get to show their fear without disappointing or scaring everyone. (If she is brave and scared and I am not brave, it must be really scary…people think) So I am going to tell you. I am scared right now. I am scared of losing bits and not getting them back. I am scared of the physical pain that this sickness is going to cause. I do not want to die on morphine, totally out of it, but I don’t like pain.