Sunday, August 21, 2011

Day 1 of the new era

I slept like I was drugged... to the extent that I wander if someone drugged me. We certainly have the wherewithal laying around the house. Or maybe it's just that I hadn't slept in days. The fact that I haven't been taking my own medication in ages probably doesn't help either.

Me and the kids were all giddy with fear last night and were goofing around like little kids to avoid going to our beds and having to think. Personally I fell asleep so fast I didn't think. I didn't hear a peep from the kids.

I woke up giggling. A joke so un-PC that I cannot repeat it in any company... let alone polite company. I couldn't stop giggling... and Rebecca was right there smiling that smile she smiles when she's loving me for my flaws, not despite them. The house is so full of her it is easy to hold her in my heart. I miss her so much and now I'm sobbing again.

I guess it's going to be another manic day of unimaginable pain and unconditional love at the Dale -1 household.

5 comments:

Isaac, Nadira, Angie & Brad said...

Dear Andy, Merav and Ze'ev,
Rebecca's light and warm love lives on in our hearts. We will always cherish her memory and friendship.

Izzy is at home all next week. We would love to have Ze'ev come over anytime, whenever he is ready to play.

All our love,
Isaac, Nadira, Angie & Brad

Bridget Wynne said...

Thank you for letting us know what's happening with you and the kids, Andy, even as this new and oh-so-painful era begins. Fear and laughter and pain and love can feel so connected to one another. It makes sense that they are all flowing through and around you when your hearts have been broken open.

I know I am one of so many people sending you and Merav and Ze'ev love love

Bridget

Gardening Matters said...

hehee... can I tell you how many times I nearly printed the unprintable as a comment???!! I'm so glad that you guys are laughing... -- it's all about balance, eh? a little of this, a little of that... and when the pendulum swings too wide, then it's a "lot of this, and a lot of that".

What I loved is when she was lucid enough to realize that she wasn't being 'lucid'! I hope to emulate the grace and irony of that moment into my work meetings from now on!

you know, in some ways, she'll be more easy to talk with now... no more middle of the night discussions about how you don't actually know that invisible guy standing next to the bed (as nice as he is).

Rebecca hated pain -- in her self, in others -- that's what makes her great and that's what makes this good-bye easier to bear.

ok, now my turn to tear up (and in a coffee shop no less). Great big bear hugs!

What the hell is this?!? said...

Andy,

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Having gone through a loss myself, I know words can never suffice. Smile, cry, hold your children close. Laugh and sob with the memories. While Rebecca is in a better place, she'll always be with you in your thoughts, a random expression from one of your children and the family you made.

- another Andy from Ohio

Kate Harper Newkuumet said...

Dear Andy, Merav and Ze'ev,
Thank you for sharing Rebecca's journey with us here. While being so full of warmth she had a serenity that increased over the few years we were blessed to know her. I hope this comforts and sustains you these early days.

Juliet would like to be there for Merav in any way that Merav needs. We will come for shiva, but Merav can reach her by all the usual routes as well and Jet will check her phone and Facebook.

Love from Kate, Craig, Jet and Tristan