One year on

On Sunday it was Rebecca's birthday and the one year anniversary since her death. In keeping with jewish tradition we set a permanent marker on her grave. We then returned to our house in Berkeley and reminisced and celebrated Rebecca's life.

Here are some photos of the day: https://plus.google.com/photos/102500016071484549637/albums/5779534087160218097?authkey=CLDqmonx4eW88AE

Love Love

Some Memorial Details

A couple of details, please let me know if you have other questions:

We will meet at the 'bend in the road'. You turn form the street into the parking lot. You can either park there or keep driving further up. There is only the one road leaving the parking lot deeper into the property. If you drive or walk up it, about a quarter mile past the main building you will find us gathered at the first significant bend in the road. We will walk from there to Rebecca's grave at a little after 11am.

If you are late then, at that bend, follow the path that continues 'straight' in the direction the road was going. Once you get to the end of that path you should see us a little way off under the trees.

You will end up walking abouta half mile, so bring comfortable shoes. Dress will be generally informal. I will be in jeans but I might put on a button down shirt for the occasion.

Rabbi Zellman will lead us in a short ceremony setting a permanent marker at the grave and marking the passage of a year since Rebecca's death. After the ceremony people are welcome to stay at the grave for a while or to wander the grounds at Fernwood which is a lovely place to discover.

When you are ready, head back to my place in Berkeley where there will be a catered buffet lunch. The house will be open for the afternoon and I hope we can all spend some time together celebrating Rebecca's life. We can share stories of Rebecca and how she continues to influence our lives.

For people who will only be coming to the Berkeley part of the day. I expect the house to be open and welcoming by 12:30 pm.

I look forward to seeing you all.

Love Love,

Andy  

Forever in my heart

18 years ago today Rebecca and I walked down the isle and exchanged vows. Till death do us part. Death came too soon but she remains with me and the kids every day and continues to influence how we live our lives. My love for Rebecca is not expressed in the past tense it is present and future.

1 year ago Rebecca and I went out to celebrate our anniversary, we had ice-cream. It was the last time we went out together on a date.

Today, I miss Rebecca.

Time Passes

I am starting to organize a 'stone setting' when we will place the permanent marker at Rebecca's grave. This will happen on August 19th, her birthday and the one year anniversary of her death. The ceremony at the cemetery will be followed by a gathering (party) at my place. Details, as they emerge, will be posted here on the blog. 


I'm going to put an evite out too but am worried that I will miss someone. You are all invited and if you don't see the evite from me in the next couple of weeks ping me to make sure I have your current email address. 


Love love.

Half a year

Yesterday marked the 6 month anniversary of Rebecca's passing. We talk about her often, she is still very present in our lives. We all miss her terribly. But, meanwhile, life goes on...

In the last 6 months I have: Built what amounts to an extension on the house to be the home of the Olive Press, totally remodeled the downstairs bathroom, replaced the floor and the sink in the upstairs bathroom,  Put a big deck on the back of the house, purchased a piano and made some upgrades in the Kitchen. Oh yeh, and purchased a BIG tv (60 inch).

Despite all that Rebecca's jewelry is still all laid out on her bedside table how she liked it. Her cloths still take up 80% of the available space in our room and we eat fish at least once a week because she insists it's good for us.

I added raised beds to our veggie garden, it's much easier on my back. I have lots of fava's in for the winter and I'm starting to plan the spring plantings. The bees are a'buzzing but I got rid of the chickens, I decided I just didn't have any care-taking energy in me right now.

The kids are up and down. Generally they are doing amazingly well but every so often reconnect with what they have lost. I think as time goes on they understand more what it means to not have her around and are starting to miss the things that used to annoy them. "Why does she make us eat salad all the time" has become "Dad why don't we eat more salad"... The kids would never make me feel bad by saying anything like: "it was better when mom was around" but I know that it is true. I'm doing a pretty good job, but, the world was better when mom was around.

And then.... we have lots of fun. It turns out that living in a house with a sick person puts a cloud over things. There are times now that we have a level of loud, energetic, fun that we couldn't have in the house before because it was too much for Rebecca.

The railing of the new deck incorporates the last piece of art Rebecca welded.... you should come check it out and hang out on the deck with me and the kids!

Love Love

Up and Down

Well I'm back at work and the kids are back in school and life goes on. We have our good days and bad days. On good days we talk about Rebecca and cry a little. On bad days we get caught up in daily life and forget to cry... or is it the other way around?

I have received an overwhelming number of letters and cards. It is amazing how many people Rebecca touched in her life. I hope and plan to respond to ALL of the cards... but it may take a year or two. I have decided to prioritize responses to people who do NOT read this blog as they will not receive this message: "Thank You".

A week attempt at stretching the title theme

Well, I promised myself I would write at least weekly updates for now.. so here I am.

And that pretty much sums up how I am feeling: If I give myself structure then I can follow it, I can walk through all of the actions of the day but I continue to feel like I'm playing a role rather than living a life.

I have started working again although holding any focus is very hard. I am trying to at least contribute what I can from my 'expertise'. It's kind of strange how radically the world has changed and yet these systems that I work on still seem to work in the same basic way. It's kind of comforting, in a way.

The kids continue to live life and miss their mom. Less tears, but still plenty. We talk about Rebecca a fair amount and we talk about our loss... we try to understand how to best take care of ourselves.

Two Week to move

Life continues to be totally surreal, I feel like I'm on drugs or.. something. It amazes me how Rebecca's presence was/is woven into everything I do and how palpable her absence is. I am told that I am grieving... as I am meant to grieve... woohoo... I'm doing it right, apparently. It sucks!

The kids are also up and down. Their days are full of the excitement of the new school year, new social and academic challenges. By bedtime they are physically and emotionally exhausted and we all get together for a cry over how much it sucks that Rebecca isn't with us.

Week at the knees

Well it's been a week and I am drifting in and out of a surreal fog. Every word I utter, every action I take reminds me of her. Sometimes that reminder is bitter and sometimes its sweet. I miss her SO much and yet she is so present. I joke, laugh, reminisce and cry with the family and friends that surround me but the words don't seem to add up... it's like i'm failing to describe some half remembered taste and no matter what I say it is followed by "no, that's not quite it". Nothing is as it should be.

As Ze'ev put it; "It's like being homesick but not being able to go home"

Big sigh.

Remembering Rebecca supporting these charities

Andy has asked me (Richard, again, Andy's brother) to share with this community of Rebecca's family and friends, that these two charities are ones which embody Rebecca's love and care for the world. If it is your wish or custom to make donations at such times, then please consider these charities or others you feel Rebecca would be happy to know are supported.

• San Francisco Bay Area Physicians for Social Responsibility (www.sfbaypsr.org)
• The Mandorla Project (www.themandorlaproject.org).

Funeral Arrangements for Rebecca

This is Richard writing again (Andy's brother).
The memorial service and burial will be held on Tuesday, August 23 at 11:00 am at Fernwood Cemetery in Mill Valley. Please watch this blog in the interim in case there are any changes.
If you are attending and able to car pool that will help the parking situation, and the planet.
The Cemetery is an "eco-cemetery" and does not have groomed paths. Although the cemetery staff try to clear away poison oak from the area of the grave, there may be some remaining. Please take care when walking for both these reasons. This may also inform your choice of footwear and clothing. 
As mentioned before, no flowers please - a list of charities to which donations can be made in Rebecca's memory and honor will be posted on this blog.
Shiva will take place on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday evenings, August 23, 24, and 25 in Berkeley. The family will receive visitors from 6:00 to 8:00 pm; a brief Ma'ariv ("evening") service and sharing of memories will take place each evening at 7:00 pm. 

Day 1 of the new era

I slept like I was drugged... to the extent that I wander if someone drugged me. We certainly have the wherewithal laying around the house. Or maybe it's just that I hadn't slept in days. The fact that I haven't been taking my own medication in ages probably doesn't help either.

Me and the kids were all giddy with fear last night and were goofing around like little kids to avoid going to our beds and having to think. Personally I fell asleep so fast I didn't think. I didn't hear a peep from the kids.

I woke up giggling. A joke so un-PC that I cannot repeat it in any company... let alone polite company. I couldn't stop giggling... and Rebecca was right there smiling that smile she smiles when she's loving me for my flaws, not despite them. The house is so full of her it is easy to hold her in my heart. I miss her so much and now I'm sobbing again.

I guess it's going to be another manic day of unimaginable pain and unconditional love at the Dale -1 household.

Arrangements: Tuesday - but not yet finalized

Dear Friends and Family.

This is Richard, Andy's brother, writing.

At this time we expect the funeral to be on TUESDAY, probably in the morning, but the time is not yet finalized. We need to wait for the State certification, a process that can only start on Monday morning.  Its timing is not predictable.

The funeral will be held at Fernwood (details here).  Please watch this blog for details once they are finalized. There will be three evenings of Shiva (gathering at the family home) and those details will also be published here. Until the time of the funeral the family is maintaining its inward orientation and visits are not customary. Thank you for your understanding. The Shiva will provide an opportunity for everyone to share your love and memories with Andy, Merav and Ze'ev and the wider community of those who loved and were loved by Rebecca.

Please do not send or bring flowers. We will publish the names of charities dear to the family to which donations can be made.

the end of one journey and the start of the next.

At 4:14 am on Saturday August 20th Rebecca left us. She left on a river of love that flowed from all of us close and far. She was ushered out of this world by 2 angels (more about them at another time) in the presence of myself and our kids Merav and Ze'ev (Gideon).

We are observing the jewish tradition of keeping to ourselves between now and the funeral. As plans for the funeral and the shiva (gathering together the days after the funceral) unfold they will be posted here.

With love!

never to be predictable

Rebecca never was one to go by other peoples timelines. This time she is accelerating rather than delaying the schedule. She has already fit 4-6 weeks of decline into a week, we are assuming that the time scale trend will continue and she will be gone fairly soon. It could be a few hours or it could be a couple of days. very unlikely to be any longer.

People are no longer going in to visit with Rebecca: she is otherwise occupied. If you want to come visit with the family please call first as we are trying to keep the house calm and quiet. i will post details of arrangements here as they unfold.

love

End of another day

Today was a good day. Rebecca rested peacefully for the first half of the day and we had some nice hang out time in the afternoon and evening. Now,every time she rallies I wonder if it's the proverbial last wind. It could be days, it could be weeks. Rebecca seems to think it might be sooner than later.

This evening me and the kids hung out on the bed with Rebecca. The kids showed her magic tricks they had learned... Trying to show 'illusions' to someone who has been hallucinating for days proves to be really hard. Ze'ev is asleep at the foot of our bed. Merav is in her room and Rebecca is peaceful besides me.

Long day

Finally she is resting more peacefully. Still not totally peaceful but much better. Lots of drugs and finally... a foot rub... and she's resting. I wish I had thought of the foot rub earlier.

3 weeks ago we said 6-10 weeks... now we seem to be looking at 2 or 3... Kids are doing great. I had some big sobbing today, finally. I know my heart will mend but I sure wish I didn't have to have it so thoroughly broken first.

Monday Morning

It was a tough weekend and an even tougher night. I'm tired. Rebecca has been anxious and rambling. We spent the night chatting about whatever was going on in the moment in her vivid dream state... incredulity that I didn't notice the olive tree grow in our bedroom and get absorbed into the walls... annoyance that I didn't know the name of the guy standing by the bed (despite him 'seeming like a nice guy').

Visits are becoming harder because she is more agitated. Call before you come over and I will let you know if a visit seems like a good idea.

Friday Morning

Rebecca's Dad and his wife Amy were here all week. We had some nice times and, most importantly, they both got to spend some good time with Rebecca. I think the highlight for Ze'ev was not only did Larry, Amy, Rebecca and I come to watch him dive at the pool... Amy pushed me in the pool!

Rebecca had a couple of good, pain free, lucid days. This morning she is feeling crappy so we just dosed her with what we hope will knock her out for a while and make the pain go away.

Another day

Yesterday was very busy. We had the hospice folks in first thing followed by a stream of visiting friends. Rebecca was awake and smiling through most of it. She would nap between visits and the visits only last 15 to 20 minutes before she closes her eyes and says; "OK, I have to sleep some now."

The hospice folks upped her drug intake and have prescribed all sorts of different pills for different symptomatic relief. Her pain is way down and her breathing sounded less strained in her sleep last night than it has in a while. One of the pills prescribed is a steroid, its primary purpose is to reduce the swelling in her belly and give her some relief there. It will likely have the side effect of giving her a little more energy... maybe we will drive somewhere and look at the view... or something.

Rebecca's car failed smog last week... Rebecca and her trusty steed. Trying to decide if I should try to get it fixed or not. Amazing how charged such a decision about a 25 year old car can be. I keep wandering if there isn't some way I could send Rebecca off on her final journey in the damn thing.